Do you find yourself agreeing, appeasing, and accepting other people’s versions of events, even when they don’t align with your own thoughts and feelings? Do you struggle to say no, fearing conflict or disapproval? If so, you may be caught in the cycle of people-pleasing – a deeply ingrained habit that can leave you feeling disconnected from your true self. I find that there is a strong link to low self-esteem if you are a people-pleaser….
Why Do We People-Please?
The experience of people-pleasing often stems from a need to avoid conflict. At some point in your life, you may have learned that keeping others happy was the safest way to navigate relationships. Perhaps in childhood, you were praised for being ‘good’ when you were agreeable or discouraged from expressing emotions that made others uncomfortable. Over time, this can lead to a deep fear of upsetting others and a belief that your own needs come second.
What keeps this pattern going? Often, it is the extreme emotional reaction we experience when faced with disagreement. The thought of upsetting someone can bring on feelings of guilt, anxiety, or even shame. We overestimate the consequences of saying no, imagining rejection or conflict when, in reality, expressing our needs often leads to healthier and more balanced relationships.
When We Say Yes Instead of No
One of the most common signs of people-pleasing is saying yes when we really want to say no. It can seem like a small thing – agreeing to a favour, going along with a plan that doesn’t suit us, keeping quiet when we disagree – but over time, these small compromises add up.
Gradually, we begin to feel disconnected from our own thoughts and desires. We might notice that we don’t even know what we truly want anymore. It can feel as though we are living with a secret self – an inner voice that contradicts what we outwardly express. Many people even feel guilty or ashamed of this inner conflict, seeing it as something dark or selfish rather than a natural part of self-expression.
How to Start Changing YES into MAYBE – or Even NO
Reclaiming your voice and learning to express your true thoughts doesn’t happen overnight. But by taking small steps, you can begin to shift this pattern and build confidence in your own self-expression.
1. Start Slowly with Small Nos
If saying no feels overwhelming, start by practising in low-stakes situations. This could be as simple as declining an extra commitment at work or letting a friend know you’d rather not go to a particular event. Every time you assert your own needs, you reinforce the belief that your opinion matters.
2. Set Up an Easy Win
Talking to a supportive friend, partner, or coach about your desire to be more honest in your communication can be a powerful step. Let them know you are working on expressing yourself more and ask for encouragement. Having someone who understands your journey can help you feel validated and less alone.
3. Tune into Your Inner Voice
Before you can confidently express your opinions to others, you need to reconnect with your own thoughts and feelings. Start by becoming aware of small decisions throughout the day – what do you really think? What do you want to say? Even if you don’t voice it immediately, acknowledging your own perspective internally is an essential step towards authentic self-expression.
Reaching Out for Support
If you’ve spent years prioritising others’ feelings over your own, changing this pattern can feel daunting. But you don’t have to do it alone. Coaching and therapy can provide a supportive space to explore where your people-pleasing tendencies come from, how they have shaped your life, and what you can do to start asserting yourself with confidence.
