This is my monthly blog where I talk with someone who has gone through a bad time, a significant change or difficult decision.  I wanted a space so that people can share their experience and hopefully pass on some of the learning from this, in order to help others.

What I know from the work I do with people is that finding meaning from the chaos and feeling like what you do matters or makes a difference can alter what initially feels like total devastation into something transformational.

I will be using the same framework of questions each month, and hopefully reading this you will gain some insights or think about your own perspective of change in an open or new way.

 

I would like to introduce this month someone I have been working with who recognises their tendency to be a perfectionist and an over-achiever.  On the surface they would appear ‘in control’ and ‘organised’, the one that everyone else would turn to.

Perfectionism & High Standards..

Underneath they were struggling with anxiety and the burden of relentless high standards.

On top of this they were dealing with physical health issues that would potentially lead to big changes and uncertainty.

As they conclude, Being successful doesn’t mean not having feelings of anxiety, but rather learning how to manage the bumps in the road.  That improving your wellbeing comes from lots of different angles and seeking help and taking action is a big part of that.

 

What Life event or situation have you faced?

I was born with eye problems meaning that, from a very early age, I did not have complete vision. Growing up there was a lot of uncertainty around how much vision I would maintain into my adult life and how restricting that could be.

I was therefore guided through this process with a very ‘can do’ attitude, regularly hearing the phrase that ‘I can do anything I put my mind to’. Having also received good education in school; always being pushed forwards, in combination with my keenness to learn more, this reinforced the idea that working hard equals success.

For many years I have struggled with the nature of my job and the stress that it brings. In addition to that I have faced various eye surgeries and the threat of vision loss that would alter my life significantly.

 

What was the impact on your life as you lived it?

 

Whilst having the inner drive to work hard is not wrong in many cases, I unfortunately, over time, have taken this more to the extreme to create myself ‘rules’ (if you will) that I must keep going, try harder and keep progressing, and if I don’t it is ‘not good enough’. (Not the intention of the original upbringing!).

I have struggled since with a lot of anxiety surrounding my work, my continued threat of further loss of vision and my other physical health conditions, many of which are out of my control.

I found myself worrying a lot. Contemplating the worst possible scenarios and fixating on them, to the point it affected my family life. I found myself on a rollercoaster of emotions each day and found this exhausting.

 

What was the impact on your identity?

I always tried to hide my anxiety as best I could from those who I chose to shield it from, however I know for sure that people who knew me well could see that I was struggling.

I have always been seen as a high achiever and to suddenly be seen to be struggling was quite the knock in my confidence and identity

 

What support did you have?

I am really lucky to have had the most supportive husband, family and friends. However, reaching out to the GP and reaching out to Carrie hugely progressed my journey in a positive direction.

 

Are there any lessons to be learnt from this situation?

Over time, and having worked a lot on myself with Carrie’s support, I am coming to learn more about my mindset; how viewing things in a different way can change my attitude, looking at being comfortable with uncertainty, taking a problem-solving position on my worries (not an irrational overthinking one!), looking at what is in my control and focusing here rather than on what is not.

I feel I am gaining so much insight in to who I am as a person, building my confidence and lessening my stress. It became debilitating at one point and I couldn’t see my way through. Now, I continue to progress happily and feel able to bring up issues with Carrie that challenge me and the new mindset I am creating and she helps me work through them.

I think hindsight is a wonderful thing and if I could have shown myself back then where I am now and how I take on each day, I’d probably not have worried so much! I still experience anxiety, I still get overwhelmed but the length of time it lasts or the severity to which it affects me is so much less than before. I wish I could have told myself that hard work will pay off and I will not feel trapped forever.

If you’d have suggested 2 years ago I’d be where I am today, I definitely wouldn’t have believed you!

 

What did you need that you didn’t have at the time?

I think the hardest thing was that I felt I had everything I needed to get better but still couldn’t get there, I wanted instant results and that’s simply not how it works! (I’m working on my patience!)

 

What advice would you think helpful to pass on?

I would encourage everyone who is motivated to improve their mental well being to keep going, not to give up because of bumps in the road or bad days.

That improving your wellbeing comes from lots of different angles and seeking help and taking action is a big part of that.

 

How do you see yourself now and in the future?

If you would have told me 5 years ago that I would be where I am now, I’m not sure that I would have believed you.

I hope to keep growing this person I am becoming and learning mechanisms to cope with the stress (but also to appreciate the joy) that life throws at me.