What Life Event or Situation Have You Faced?
Realising I had to end my civil partnership as it was making me very unhappy. I had to face the feelings of loss and grief alongside the anger expressed towards me from my partner. The knock-on effect was the practical disruption of selling the house, getting involved with solicitors, increasing work commitments, and ongoing financial worries. Alongside all of this, I then had a diagnosis of a serious heart condition. The cherry on the cake was having my car written off when it was parked outside my house, the practical aspect of trying to sort this out and the financial expenses through no fault of my own added to the misery at the time.
What Was the Impact on Your Life as You Lived It?
I felt under extreme pressure emotionally and physically within myself as well as practically and financially. One of the major pressures was the long drawn-out sale of the house. I was in a constant state of cleaning and preparing the house for viewings and dealing with solicitors only to have 2 house sales fall through nearing the point of completion. The unreliability of the sellers increased my uncertainty about the future and by default my stress increased. I was very worried about money and felt extremely stuck and frustrated with everything going on.
What Was the Impact on Your Identity?
I felt I had become someone who was barely managing – my identity had changed. I felt less confident in myself that I could do the things that my new situation demanded.
Are There Any Lessons to Be Learnt from This?
I learnt that I had a lot of support from people – they all rallied around. I had financial help in ways such as buying dog food, sending me money, repaying old debts as well as help to get loans. I realised people wanted to help and did more than I anticipated and kinder than I thought.
I learnt to look at things in smaller steps and do one small thing at a time which helped reduce the feelings of overwhelm. I can ask for help and over time I learnt that I could do it when I thought I couldn’t.
Don’t panic if you don’t feel good all the time. I was really struggling emotionally after I had finally managed to move as I’d thought I should be ok then. I asked for help through therapy which was incredibly beneficial. Therapy helped me identify what the underlying fears and anxieties were and validate my feelings of grief and sadness about the divorce and my situation. I was helped to see that I didn’t have to ‘make’ myself better, that it was ok to be feeling as I did as I was grieving and that it would pass. We also talked about how the past was influencing how I felt now and we worked on separating the feelings related to my current situation and what feelings related to old wounds from my past.
What Advice Would You Think Helpful to Pass On?
Ask for help. Ask when you are struggling to do things on your own. For the practical things just ask and if people can help they will.
Do not isolate yourself or give in to thoughts that you ‘should be coping better’. If you’re struggling emotionally, talk to friends about how you’re feeling or if it is deep-routed consider a therapist.
How Do You See Yourself Now and in the Future?
I am still living with grief, slowly processing the past 2 years and letting go of my relationship. But I am getting on with things without putting pressure on myself to ‘feel better!’. I am doing things that I enjoy and give me a sense of achievement. I keep going, believing I will be feeling differently as time passes and I come to terms with what’s happened.
